With my “deadline” drawing near, I am trying to figure out what I am the most afraid of because after all, once I am pregnant there’s nothing I can do and I can’t have my wine to relax anymore!
I sat down with Luke and we discussed it a bit… Like I mentioned before, I am afraid of certain life changes and not being able to do what I want anymore. I think it might come down to a fear of parenthood… of being responsible for another life. I am a fairly responsible person, but if I screw up then I am the only person that is hurt. When I become a mother, I have a whole new host of responsibilities, and they all influence the way my child grows up. Like any other parent, I will want the best life possible for my child… a loving family, a good education, good food, etcetera, but I also want to instill in them a sense of humility, thankfulness and respect. I want them to appreciate what a good life they have and want to make the world a better place. To be all the best things that make up Luke and me- without our worst flaws.
I am in no way a perfectionist, but I think that when it comes to parenthood, I am putting pressure on myself to be the perfect parent. I realize right now that it has already started and I’m not even pregnant yet. I’ve already read books and watched videos about pregnancy and birthing to be prepared. I am planning my pregnancy diet to be as healthy as possible for my growing fetus. I am planning a natural drug-free birth because it can benefit a baby in so many ways. I’ve even started researching co-sleeper cribs and planning in my head what we will do when the baby arrives.
All this planning, and I am still scared that I am too selfish to be a good mother, and that I will resent my child because of the change it brings to my life. What if I don’t feel connected to my baby? I have no idea how I will change throughout pregnancy. I know there are all kinds of hormones and that mothers react in all different ways when they first meet their baby… what if I am a bad mom?